11-Jan-2024: This post is my journal, with very minimal pictures. So, if you are someone who visits my blog mainly for Kalirajan's photography, I recommend reading other posts or waiting for the upcoming travel blog😊 But if you are up for a read, I guarantee you a simple and honest one.
29-Jan-2024: It's been more than ten months since my last published blog post. Inside, I feel a little weary and lot hesitant to sit down and channelize my thoughts. The last year has been remarkable in the most unexpected of ways. There is a feeble voice from within nudging me to go ahead and share but there is much higher resistance and procrastination this time. I am just going with the flow and writing few lines whenever I am in the mindset to. Let's see when this takes final shape.
02-Nov-2023: My driver's license expired. 03-Nov-2003 was when I had received it. That somewhat-battered-booklet that lay on my table, opened a flood gate of memories about what can be termed as my life over the last twenty years - as ordinary and extra-ordinary as others'.
2023 was personally a milestone year in more than many ways. It marked the twentieth anniversary of many lasting turns in my life. 2003 was the year of my first job-switch that led to my move from Chennai to Bangalore. I was all of twenty-five back then, when I took my first employer-sponsored flight for relocation. I can still vividly remember that heart-churning feeling while taking off from Chennai and the very same feeling transforming into a thrill while stepping into the evening lights of HAL Old Airport Road, Bangalore.
2003 was the year when Kali and I got married. It was the same year when I got my light motor vehicle driving license too! The RTO office was in Indiranagar, and my driving classes happened around the CMH road, Saraswati Nagar areas. Our first car came home in 2005. Kali had planned it in such a way that the vehicle was delivered on my birthday. Though my time behind the wheels has comparatively reduced in the recent years, I was the more enthusiastic driver early on. I didn't fall short of my trysts with traffic negotiation too. Those days, BLR traffic wasn't as worse, but the roads were narrower. My driving skills kept getting refined at Cubbon Road, Osborne, Mallesh Palya, Indiranagar 100ft and Jeevan Bheema Nagar Main roads and every time there was a trouble, Kali pitched in over a call to settle the scores😊. Even the mobile phone models and plans were unsmart and limited. Those were the days of team lunches at the Chancery Pavilion, Angeethi and team outings at Eagleton or Club Cabana. And of course, the unmatched team travel to Egypt.
Once our daughter was around three years, the golden phase of our lives began. Dotted with regular vacation travels, each one of them still cherished and lingering. One of the very first outdoor stays we had with her was at the Jain Farms near Bagalur, a place which is very close to our present residence. Every opportunity that came our way, we tried spending outdoors - long weekends where either at one of the resorts in the city outskirts or in one of the destinations reachable in few hours from BLR. This way we explored all the places that top the list of Bengalureans and many of the Jungle Lodges and Resorts. The longer planned vacations during winter and summer breaks were either drives to our native or travels up north and east of India along the Himalayas and a few neighboring countries. Before our daughter entered her preteens, our siblings had also got married. Our first and favorite sedan was the chariot that ferried these to-be and newly-weds in and out of their wedding halls. On those occasions, she herself was decked up like a bride. For all such innumerable drives, my driving license was my trusted and silent companion.
Our travel experiences top the list of my memories, any day. This doesn't mean life was always smooth and Orkut/fb/insta-worthy. As Ralph Waldo Emerson puts it, life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood. Each time I lived through my own lessons, I understood life better. No doubt, they chip us in the most painful and unexpected of ways, but the artistry of their chisel is always idiosyncratic and evolutionary. Eventually, all the pains and pleasures have sculpted this self that I accept and own as mine. How delusional is this construct called mine! But we will come to that a little later.
While we were head down turning the cartwheel, life swiftly slipped through. It carried away few from the inner circle of our family and ringed in the arrival of new loved ones. Same was the case with friends. As our work and residence change, social circles keep changing. But there are a few who remain constant. If we look back, we'd realize that they walked into our lives effortlessly and almost never left. As if connecting a dot from some previous birth. Such people are like beautiful sunsets, long etched in our minds. Another aspect of our lives that has remained a constant is the influence other life forms have had on us. It started with an awe for wildlife and later in the love for birds. We are still learning how to love unconditionally and to just be happy from our pet son. Off late we are also consciously trying to fit ourselves into the larger ecosystem, by being as non-intrusive as possible. My DL has been an inconspicuous enabler that regularly helped me invest time in friends as well as nature.
Cars changed, we aged. Soon our daughter was in high school. Between her high school and higher secondary descended the pandemic bringing confinement, losses and uncertainty along with it. We evolved as parents, watching our little one grow through her adolescence as well as final years of schooling during those testing times and land in her chosen stream of higher studies. The day when we stepped out from our daughter's University, leaving her behind, it dawned on me that life was never going to be the same. Our nest was going to be mostly empty. Initially, this was indeed tough. Even now every time she comes home and returns, we all go through the separation blues. But it is clearer that as much we'd be there for her, it is her time to step out and discover life. Over the last two years, while she has found her ground, we have formulated our own constructive engagements to escape the bouts of loneliness.
I'd like to pause and elaborate about the last three years. Why do I want to do this? I question myself. Because they were not easy, they came loaded with discoveries about my own self, my journey hitherto and brought me to this point where I am writing about them. I have seldom been someone who minces words. I also have the liking to perceive and experience things as they are. That's another reason why I seem to want to share this part out in the open. Life is not always scenic. Actual daily life is a lot of work - there are times when our hands get very dirty, eyes teary, body and soul weary. And then there are pinker moments with everything sailing smooth. It is necessary to acknowledge, internalize and own both. More importantly, I now lean towards living through each day realizing what it reveals about who I am. It feels that I am more aware of myself and the surroundings. This did not happen over a fine week or month, nor did I enroll myself into any self-awareness camp. I am stating this, as a matter of fact, without any prejudice. There were no sudden revelations but steady discoveries. Above all, I liked the journey I was taking. External noise was fading. The search within, amplifying. So much that I had forgotten social media and have been leading an authentic offline life except for texting family, close friends and colleagues.
I could see events from my recollect-able childhood till date span right in front of me, as if I were an audience to my own life. I spent some amount of time regularly in contemplation. Traveling along, somewhere I hit the dark corners of my mind or the subconscious which exposed all the pent-up hurt and pain. It wasn't pleasant at all. I could see the quantum of rage within me and at times it was scary too. On the other hand, this phase revealed what was real. That is why I use these words to depict the emotions most of us undergo suddenly at some point in life. I could visualize each instance where I was honest, transparent and vulnerable, but ended up being misunderstood or manipulated. Each one of us have been through this, isn't it? This phase was like a volcanic eruption. But by the stroke of some serendipitous coincidence, two of my good friends were going through a similar phase in their lives. Amongst us, we confided all our experiences. We are not the type who keep in touch quite often, but whenever we do, we pickup from where we left. It was weird how we were almost contemplating on similar lines and even reading similar stuff. Listening to J. Krishnamurti's talks, reading Sri. M, Dr. Brian Weiss, J.K, writing to a spiritually evolved mentor, a deep conversation with one of the above-mentioned friends- all helped calming the mind to the state that it is now. Silence after the storm. Marcus Aurelius, Rumi, Paramahansa Yogananda are few other titles suggested by the friends. I intend to read Thirumoolar and Thiruvalluvar too. Meanwhile, we recently visited Tiruvannamalai for the first time. The entire town definitely has a certain aura, especially the temple premises and Ramanasramam. The Samadhi Shrine of Sri Ramanar and the meditation hall bestow quietude. The solitary trek up the Skandashram is an experience words fall short to describe.
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| View of the Annamaliar Temple Gopurams from a vantage point enroute Skandashram |
All of these were happening within me when I went about my work, studies and other routines as usual. It's surprising how the answers come to us when we are ready. Readiness can be equated to when the time is right or when we need or seek the answers the most. Conversations need not be in-person or even over a phone call. Silence often speaks louder. A sentence from a book can reveal a profound truth in the most personal of ways. It would be nothing new, may be even a very commonly known philosophy. But when our mind is in its most non-prejudiced, thoughtless state just paying attention, the truth reveals itself. This is what my dad used to refer as God dwells in the simplest of minds. It is beautiful how J.K calls this as "choiceless awareness". I think it's now apt for me to use the word spirituality. So far, I've found nothing so idiosyncratic and personal as spirituality. I am forty-six now and evolving spiritually, in my own pace and ways. I shall continue to do so and will be a lifetime work-in-progress. But the feeling of finding the core, experiencing the equilibrium is so fulfilling. There has been noticeable unlearning and relearning. My instincts and inferences have become centered. There is lesser judgement and more empathy.
Now, I can clearly see my own follies too. And I can fathom them with a sense of responsibility and acceptance sans overwhelming guilt. I can even revisit the wrongs of others without blame or residual negativity. There are still so many instances in daily life where my scale tips off. But I am becoming aware of it quicker and working on getting back to my equilibrium. I've come to understand that, if one were to continue on a spiritual quest in the middle of a normal life, balance is the key, under all circumstances. Easier said than done but gradually attainable with conscious practice. As Shri. Ananthu, co-founder of Navadarshanam, said in one of his latest talks - We are all in different levels of infinity. The purpose of our life, if we seek, is to attain the highest level. It is a journey towards self-actualization that we need to undertake alone, heeding the silence amidst the sea of sounds.
"Every great and deep difficulty bears in itself its own solution. It forces us to change our thinking in order to find it."
"Everything we call real is made of things that cannot be regarded as real."
-Niels Bohr
“Consciousness cannot be accounted for in physical terms. For consciousness is absolutely fundamental. It cannot be accounted for in terms of anything else.”
"The total number of minds in the universe is one."
-Erwin Schrodinger
"Ishaa Vaasyam Idam Sarvam"
The whole Universe is enclosed or enveloped in the Supreme Being. And He dwells in the entire Universe.
- Ishaa Vaasya Upanishad
"mano buddhi ahankara chittani naaham
na cha shrotravjihve na cha ghraana netre
na cha vyoma bhumir na tejo na vaayuhu
chidananda rupah shivo'ham shivo'ham"
I am not any aspect of the mind like the intellect, the ego or the memory,
I am not the organs of hearing, tasting, smelling or seeing,
I am not the space, nor the earth, nor fire, nor air,
I am the form of consciousness and bliss, am Shiva (that which is not) ...
- Nirvana Shatakam, Adi Sankaracharya
என்னிலே இருந்த ஒன்à®±ை யான் à®…à®±ிந்தது இல்லையே
என்னிலே இருந்த ஒன்à®±ை யான் à®…à®±ிந்துகொண்டபின்
என்னிலே இருந்த ஒன்à®±ை யாவர் காண வல்லரோ
என்னிலே இருந்திà®°ுந்து யான் உணர்ந்து கொண்டேனே.
I was ignorant of the Self that resided within me. Who else, I wonder, can see it, once I have found it myself (for, once I find it, it ceases to exist). By constantly remaining within, I've realized this truth.
- Siva Vakkiya Siththar
As I reach this point, my DL has been renewed. So have a few million cells in my body 😊 I reach for the keys of my vehicle. The key is now, here and within.
(With deep gratitude to all who've made a difference in my being and let me make a difference in theirs.)
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